. . . more of my authentic self. Why I’ve Been “Missing” For Two Weeks

There’s been a convergence of *things* that have created my overall silence on social media platforms.

I don’t talk about it a lot. I once thought it would be so “anti-business” to say out loud. The older I get, the braver I get, and the more I recognize that I am not alone.

I get anxious and depressed – for many years now. I’m pretty clear, that I am not a “unique snowflake”.

The two conditions, simultaneously, in one day or one week, used to really debilitate me. Current events have exacerbated my challenges. I am sensitive to many drugs and have an addictive personality, and as such, I have chosen not to take meds. I’m by no means, anti-meds or a masochist – if it would work, I would do it. Not taking meds requires my needing to be quiet when I cycle through depression and anxiety on a Defcon 5 level – which is what the last two weeks have been. I’m doing the things I need to do to take care of myself and the clouds are clearing.

My anxiety and depression manifest in many ways. Lately I’ve been overwhelmed with that weird stuff: “I can’t imagine trying to sell anything to anyone RIGHT NOW!!!! Trumplestilskin in the White House seems hell bent on our destruction. It’s all very scary. Who wants to buy a lovely NOW?!?!?” I’ve been afraid y’all would dislike me if I tried to sell you a lovely.

Yet, when I step out of my door, I am reminded that despite events, people still go to work, people still have to pay the bills… and so do I. THIS is what I do for a living. It’s not a part-time hobby and I am not independently wealthy. It’s how I pay the bills, it’s how I eat, feed my child and feed my pets. So, I’m going to keep trying to sell you my work and I will keep teaching and offering online learning opportunities. It’s really a win-win. You get adornment that resonates for you and perhaps helps you feel spectacular, or you get time to learn and create and heal and center through that process, – and I get, along with great honor and gratification, a “paycheck” that allows me to live. See! Win-Win. Also, I could get more ant-repellent, because honestly, this is getting ridiculous. So please buy things… I need ant repellent and food 🙂

I’ve been feeling low energy, a little unmotivated, a lot fearful (see above) and a huge amount of “empty”. It’s not just depression and anxiety.

For 23 years, this time of the year, represents endless hours of preparation for my children to return to school . . . earthquake kits; 15 pages of forms; a few new clothes; finishing up summer reading, and that annual trip to Staples. I had a break in 2015 and last year was a whirlwind to Canada.

I’m empty this year – except for the body and energetic memory 🙂

My eldest, long since graduated in 2007 hasn’t required, needed or desired my input since then. My youngest, is living at home, and will not be returning to college in September.

I think I really understand “empty nest” now, more than I ever did before.

I also realized that the end of August and through Labor Day, has really been my New Year. I have for 23 years slowed to a bit of a crawl on some things and been focused on my children’s new beginnings and just naturally made that time part of my new beginnings.

I have NEVER done “spring cleaning”. I’ve always done a refresh during Labor Day weekend.

I have, since at least 2007, started writing my vision for the new year around my work.

Since 2012, it’s been a time of year where I am refreshing and reorganizing tools and supplies for upcoming teaching gigs.

It’s about now, that I am thinking about holiday offerings of my jewelry work – sketching, planning – plotting how to inspire you to buy from me for your gift giving.

August is traditionally a quiet time all around, as many folk fit in their last get-aways, and if you have children, you too are preparing for a new year.

Happy New Year. I’ve never been one to adhere to a lot of traditions of the mainstream 🙂

Clouds are clearing and there is work to do, on the horizon, both socially and personally.

Much Love and Light,

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About Phoenix

I am a mom, artist and teacher!
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